hello everybody.

today i had lots n lots of scare..

i had to walk pass the place where the ting happened. all becos of dar.... haiz.. tts the bus-stop which i only can go to reach dar's place.. thou dar is with me, my afraid-ness did not lessen.. how i wish trees can disappear on Earth forever. because i knw this is impossible, im thinking wad will happen to my future. i know i cannot run and hide forever.. i knw.. i can tink and und these.. but i jus cant overcome this.. and to me, its so impossible tt i rather die than to overcome it.

i hv been thinking of writing letters be4 i die, to my family, dar and frens. and i tink tt i shldnt jus leave like tt without leaving them anything.. and i already decided tt if it happens one more time, i really dun hv the courage to carry on with my life. i know, its just a worm, jus a small thing.. but do u know how disgusting it is.. no matter how much i tried to swipe it off it jus doesnt go away!! i was alone n so afraid.. using my bare hands... im jus trying to avoid this frm happening again as much as i can.. my first reaction when im walking outside is to look out for trees..

dar keep scolding and scolding and scolding me for being so crazy.. and i seriously dun feel like bother him cos i only wan to pay attention to the trees arnd me.. he jus dun und how i feel.. :( but i am so sorry so so so so sorry to make him angry. and i dunno how to tell my mum im still not okay. bcos she everytime sees me at home when im fine inside the hus. :((

i see tt my life is hopeless until cannot hopeless already.. sucidal thoughts all over my mind.. and i cant cope with my studies.. totally give up on OPSY lab tt day.. nv even do a single qns and didnt hand in anything to the tcher. and at tt pnt of time im thinking wad to write in the letter if ever i were to write.. and thinking to write for my parents, dar, my 3 sisters, birdie, my kor.. and mayb someday i wanna make myself go crazy and jus jump down like tt.. at least i only need tt few seconds of guts.. dun u agree? and all of these will jus end.. no more miserable feelings..

i cant be a kindergarder tcher anymore.. i cannot bring my kids outside to play.. cant go zoo.. cant go birdpark.. cant go outings to pulau ubin with my frens.. there r too many trees arnd.. and i really feel like giving up my life.. cos theres nth i cldnt bear anymore. compared to making dar angry with my craziness, compared to making my parents heartbroken to see me like this. i feel tt this is a better choice. trying hard to find reasons y i shld not..

i dun wan people to see how to reacted.. dun wanna let others see wad my parents and dar saw.. dun wan them to leave me far away.. dun wan them to look wierd on me..

i cannot tolerate and cannot handle anymore. feeling tt even if i were to c a doc, really impossible for me to not scared.. mayb they might jus luff at me.. and how izzit tt they r going to help me when im already deciding on giving all up..

sometimes im telling myself for being so foolish having these thoughts.. but sometimes i feel tt its not wrong to feel this way.. and i am very very confused.. i dun dare to go out but i dun hv a choice.. :(

so scared i will make all of u scared to talk to me..

feel tt my waredrobe filled of worms.. feel tt my hair.. my hand.. my legs.. my face and my neck all oso hv.. my bed.. and mayb its bcos i wore green tt day.. and it thought tt its a tree.. so i wan to wear colours tt dun give me false alarms tt resembles them whenever i check on my clothes.. if not i will freak out in frnt of too many people for looking wrongly. i read be4 tt diff colours do attract diff kind of insects. so i dunno if its oso the same. so i jus wan to wear black okay.. i dun dare to bring out my bag cos i scared they r hiding inside.... :(

im removing my blog link in frenster..

and going to slp now.

byebye..